One day, me write a novel ...

One of these days, I intend on writing a novel. Not just any novel, however, but a internationally acclaimed literary tour-de-force – the reading of which will be deemed compulsory at ivy league institutions such as Harvard, Yale and Princeton. Of course, a few of the finer details are yet to be worked out – plot, story line, characters, beginning, middle, end etc.

Writing a great novel is not just difficult, it is damn near impossible for the vast majority of those who pursue this formidable dream. Thousands try. Few succeed. There is a certain perversity in its pursuit, due in no small part to the uncertainty that comes with writing. Will readers appreciate and understand the written word in quite the same way as the writer?

On a more pressing note, a great novel should ideally come with a great title. This goes well beyond what most ordinary people dream of. Even a good novel, blessed with a great title, becomes immortal. A novel requires tens of thousands of words, but the title can only be allocated a few. It must be short, succinct, captivating and capable of arousing curiosity, interest and emotion. The talent to say much in a few words rivals the more-lauded talent to do so with many.

In thinking of great titles, a few come to mind. These are listed briefly as follows:

(i) Children of a Lesser God
(ii) The God of Small Things
(iii) The Buddha of Suburbia
(iv) My Beautiful Laundrette
(v) Crime and Punishment

There are, of course, numerous other titles deserving of inclusion in the above list. It goes without saying that a great novel should be able to stand on its own. However, a great novel title also has to embody the novel itself.

Before I so much as put pen to paper, I shall work diligently towards thinking up a great novel title. The title will be the most important aspect of my literary masterpiece, especially since I probably won’t have the backing of some televised Oprah Book Club segment on free-to-air TV.

Some preliminary ideas are as follows:

Antoinette’s Areola
- Erotic adventure featuring a fictional French woman with superb nipples

Passing Wind in Wyoming
- Diary of an American storm chaser with a penchant for souped up cars.

Arse of Darkness
- Horror novel about a demonic backside run rampant in modern day New York.

In the event that one of the above ideas ever reaches fruition, I will no doubt hire a competent visual artist or photographer to assist in designing the book cover. Hopefully, my first novel will not be ‘Arse of Darkness’, as cover photography in this case may well require the services of a miniature camera, a proctologist and a model with a dubious personal hygiene and a high threshold for physical discomfort.

As has been made evident by now, my ideas are plentiful but commitment is clearly lacking. Writing involves a massive input of effort over a prolonged period, and is best achieved in a writer’s room. Ideally speaking, such a room should be housed in a rustic log cabin that is entirely cut off from the grid (i.e. no electricity and running water). My only company would be an antique typewriter, candles, an endless supply of strong black coffee and nature (e.g. several inquisitive squirrels).

One day, I hope to achieve my dream of writing a literary masterpiece of the highest calibre. Chances are that it may not be a bestseller, and may in fact attract adverse reviews if not an internationally organised book-burning ceremony. However, royalties and public opinion are not so much my concern. What’s important is that I am satisfied with the book, that it reflects an accurate transliteration of my thoughts and feelings to the written word. If this is achieved, I shall be more than content.

And now, to retreat to my bedroom and write the opening chapter of Antoinette’s Areola.