Stupid names for food items …..

Ever walked into a Hungry Jacks only to be asked whether a ‘Big Whopper’ is to your liking? What about performing the seemingly innocuous task of purchasing ice cream only to have an attractive check-out chick scream ‘Price Check on Golden GayTime’?

If you are anything like me, and have even a modicum of dignity about your person, then episodes like the above prove infuriating beyond belief. It’s bad enough that so many fast-food outlets ascribe moronic names to their wares, worse yet when you demean yourself publicly by ordering them.

Rather thankfully, I reside in a country (i.e. Australia) whose penchant for stupid food names has yet to equal the standard set in the United States. At almost any café, the food items for sale are afforded ‘descriptive’ titles that are self-explanatory in nature. Even more comforting is the fact that few, if any, restaurants have named sandwiches in honour of ‘home grown’ celebrities or, worse yet, politicians. Being a man of some dignity, I rue the day where hunger will force me into ordering a ‘Barnsey Burger’, ‘Minogue Melt’ or, God forbid, ‘Ruddock with Rye’.

Although years have passed since I last set foot in the US, the following are some of the stupider names I saw affixed to items one is meant to consume:

(i) Hot Beefeater (Quizno’s Fast Food Chain, USA – a burger)
(ii) Rooty Tooty, Fresh and Fruity (IHOP, USA – a fruit smoothie)
(iii) The Big Stick (USA, allegedly a popsicle)
(iv) Nutty Buddy (USA – a type of ice cream)
(v) Jacob Bluefinger (Erbert and Gerbert Sandwich Chain, USA – a sandwich)
(vi) Boney Billy (Erbert and Gerbert Sandwich Chain, USA – a sandwich)

What being in its right mind would openly say the words ‘Hot Beefeater’ and ‘Boney Billy’ when ordering in a restaurant? What confectioner would be sick enough to name an ice cream, specifically one targeted as children, a ‘Nutty Buddy’ or a ‘Big Stick’? It is my belief that the manufacturers and retailers of these items are perversely pleasured by secretly humiliating their clients, most of whom are obese and willing to forego dignity for a feed.

Roald Dahl must have chuckled silently to himself when he named his most popular fictional character, a confectioner no less, ‘Willy Wonka’. What sane parent would allow a child to purchase a ‘Fudgemallow Delight’ from an individual bearing such an unscrupulous name? Obviously the man worked hard at being a ‘chocolateer’, going so far as to put a little of himself into every piece of candy sold. However, if one were to draw inferences from his name, he put in more than effort alone. Also, rumour has it that he was particularly fond of manufacturing vanilla lollipops. They had a liquid centre apparently ….